Not Just “Good job!”: Praise That Works for Teens

Teens may look like adults, but they’re still sensitive to feedback. Some parents start praising less at this stage, wanting to avoid “overdoing it” and to give their child more independence. But in reality, teens still need recognition—praise helps them feel seen, valued, and respected.

Why Praise Matters for Teens

During adolescence, self-esteem can be shaky. Their appearance changes, their social circle grows, and their inner foundation is still taking shape. It may seem like they don’t care about what you say, but in most cases, they just hide how much they want to be noticed.

Research shows that kids who rarely hear praise are more likely to have lower self-esteem, more anxiety, and less confidence and motivation. These effects can carry into adulthood.
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Such children often feel they’re “never good enough.” They become afraid to try new things, avoid mistakes at all costs, and shy away from taking risks.

What praise gives a teen:

• Helps them feel noticed and accepted. It’s a way to say, “You’re trying,” “I see you,” “I’m here.”
• Builds motivation based on their own goals and interests, not fear or others’ expectations.
• Creates an inner foundation—the feeling of “I can handle this.”
• Focuses on growth and effort, not just the end result.
• Helps them recognize and appreciate their strengths.

Praise That Doesn’t Work

Sometimes praise can fall flat or even do harm, especially if it’s insincere, vague, or contains a hidden criticism.

Teens are quick to pick up on false notes and may hear such praise as pressure, judgment, or manipulation.

How NOT to praise:

• Generic: “Good job!”, “Nice work”, “I’m proud of you.” Without specifics, these lose meaning quickly.
• Only for results: “An A is good,” “Finally, the way it should be.” These ignore the process and effort.
• Comparing them to others: “You’re better than your friends,” “Now you’ve caught up to Katie, good job.” These can damage trust and create tension.
• Over the top: “You’re a genius!”, “You’re the smartest” — can create anxiety about living up to expectations.
• With conditions: “If only it were always like this.” Avoid sounding like criticism instead of praise.
• Formal or sarcastic: “Well, look at that, not late today,” “Wow, what an achievement.” Your teen can hear the passive-aggressive tone.

This kind of praise doesn’t give a teen a stable foundation. It teaches them to rely more on outside approval than on their own opinion. It’s better to speak plainly, sincerely, and with genuine respect.

How to Praise a Teen the Right Way

Praise that works is recognition of real effort. To help your teen grow more confident and notice their own progress, keep these simple rules in mind:

• Be specific. Instead of the generic “Good job,” say exactly what you liked: “You explained your point of view clearly and even found examples to back it up.”
• Notice the process, not just the outcome. Acknowledge the effort, the approach, the persistence: “You worked on this for a long time, and I can see how hard you tried.”
• Praise independence. Even if the result isn’t perfect, highlight the initiative: “You made the decision yourself and followed through.”
• Avoid comparisons. Focus on your teen’s personal growth: “You’re speaking with more confidence now.”
• Don’t praise on autopilot. Teens can tell when you’re saying something out of habit. For example: “Good job, as always,” “Well, not bad,” or “No mistakes this time.” These sound formal and insincere, which over time lowers trust in your words.
• Praise more than just success. Sometimes they need to hear that you value the effort or honesty, even if the outcome wasn’t ideal. For example: “You admitted you forgot, and that takes courage,” or “You worked to understand a tough topic, and that’s already progress.”

This kind of praise helps a teen see their strengths, rely on themselves, and not be afraid to take the next step. Over time, it becomes their own inner voice of support—calm and confident.

References:

• “You did incredibly well!”: teachers’ inflated praise can make children from low‑SES backgrounds seem less smart, Proceedings of the Royal Society B, 2023
• Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment, Scientific Reports, 2022
• Family Environment and Self‑Esteem Development: A Longitudinal Study, Child Development, 2020
• Differential Relations of Parent Praise and Criticism to Children’s Learning Goals, Journal of Child and Family Studies, 2018
• When Parents’ Praise Inflates, Children’s Self‑Esteem Deflates, Psychological Science, 2014